Let me preface this post with this statement: I am in the happiest space I have been in my life. Even at 20 pounds over weight. Even with my grandmother in the state that she is in. Even with a number of things that remain out of balance – I am very happy.
I just think it is important you find your space in the world. As joyous as where I am is. As grateful as I am to be here, as hard as I work to prove to myself, and also to “them,” that I belong. Deep down, I know… I don’t really.
Not belong. I can fit. I am able to accomodate and behave appropriately. But there is a part of me that is just who I am that just doesn’t mesh well in certain kinds of places. Regardless of how much I age, of how mature I become. I don’t like when my natural self is perceived as inappropriate, or abrasive, or like I have an attitude. When really, I am just secure in my opinions and that strength translates in the way that I communicate them.
I don’t like turning me down, or trying to blend in. But in this space – it is required. And I kinda like this space, so I do. As much as I tuck it in, it seeps out. As much as I hold my tongue, it translates. It’s me. It is only a matter of time before it creates a problem in this space, as it has in the past. A very honest conversation I had yesterday confirmed it. At my greatest effort, at my most heightened sense, at all systems go – professionalism on a “hundred, thousand trillion” – being this is so unnatural for me that I can never cover it all up – regardless of how hard I try.
This is just not my space in the world. It is my space – for now.
And I am grateful for it. I am immeasurably appreciative for the way it has happened – it is as accommodating to me as a space like this can be. Especially considering I don’t belong. All I can do is fit.
And ride it out until I have the strength and confidence to step into my own space.
A.
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I can honestly admit that God has blessed me and he continues to do so. However, I wish I was as happy as you are with life in general. I always feel the need to escape, such as go on a very long vacation or just pack up my clothes and relocate. Move to somewhere that I’m happy at. I’ve been living in Ohio almost my entire life and its so depressing here. The weather sucks (I hate freezing temps), there’s no fascinating scenery, no activities besides movies and bowling. I’m just sick of it all! I wish I could just book a plane ticket to Cali or Florida or somewhere nice and sunny!!!